Nightmarish Facts About Cruises That Made Us Think Twice About Setting Sail
On the surface, going on a cruise sounds like a great vacation. It's just like going to an all-inclusive resort, only the resort weighs a quarter of a million tons and slowly sails from tropical paradise to tropical paradise.
But cruises aren't all they're cracked up to be. In additional to the worst-case scenario horror stories we sometimes hear about, there are plenty of smaller, less obvious reasons for cruise ships being a questionable choice for your next vacation.
Get used to a schedule.
Some folks thrive with a set daily schedule, but when you're on vacation, it's nice to cut loose and forget about what time it currently is. But if you want to take advantage of a cruise ship's amenities - including meals - you'd better keep an eye on the time.
Unless you want to opt for the dregs of the all-day buffet, you'll need to adhere to the ship's meal schedule. The schedule around boarding and unboarding is also very strict, making for a stifling feeling.
It's like a petri dish at sea.
Have you ever been in a big, crowded situation and just known that it's going to get you sick? Cruise ships are, in a word, disgusting. Thousands of people are mingling in a relatively confined space, touching surfaces and sharing amenities.
This is why outbreaks of cold, flu, norovirus and worse are fairly common on cruises. The thought of being on a big cruise ship, with no apparent escape, while hundreds of people experience simultaneous gastric distress, should give anyone pause.
It's going to cost more than you think.
It's very easy to buy things on a cruise ship. After all, it's in the interests of the cruise company to make it easy for people to pay. So if you want to buy something, there's no doubt you'll be able to do so.
The problem here is that it's almost too easy to spend money. Lots of cruise companies offer cashless options that make it easy to forget you're spending real money, since you just add it to your tab. It's only when you're paying your credit card bill that you see just how much you spent.
You're not getting an authentic experience.
For lots of people, part of the point of a vacation is getting an authentic experience - going off the beaten path and avoiding the tourist traps. Cruise ships have the advantage of hitting multiple destinations, but they're all going to be incredibly touristy.
So while your cruise might technically take you to far-flung ports of call, all it's really doing is funnelling you into the same underwhelming tourist traps, complete with overpriced souvenirs, at every single stop.
If you want drinks, you'll need to pay up.
All-inclusive resorts typically offer free booze - that's what makes them all-inclusive. Cruise ships tend to offer free meals and some free drinks, but typically aren't nearly as generous as an all-inclusive.
The package you buy will probably offer x amount of free drinks to get you started, but if you really want to cut loose, you'll need to start paying. Also, you're not going to be able to smuggle anything onboard because their search protocol is about as hardcore as the TSA's.
Do you get seasick? Only one way to find out!
Unless you're a cruise veteran, or work a job that has you out at sea, you likely have no idea whether or not you're susceptible to motion sickness. Cruise ships typically offer a gentle sailing experience, but seasickness can still be a real factor.
On most routes, you're unlikely to encounter bad weather. But the simple motion of the ship, powered by its massive thrusters, can wreak havoc on a person's equilibrium. Something as simple as your cabin's position on the ship can play a huge role here.
Is the food even good?
The food onboard works similarly to an all-inclusive or resort: there are set mealtimes for which you'll likely have to book a spot, along with all-day, a la carte options, which typically come in the form of a buffet.
Some cruise companies are known for having great food. Others, though, don't exactly come with rave reviews. You'll know you're in for a rough time if even the bougie meals on board are on par with a typical chain restaurant.
Stateroom or prison cell?
We're going to be comparing cruise ships to all-inclusives a lot here, because they share similar amenities and price points. While there are a range of room options at an all-inclusive, you can be sure that even the cheapest rooms have windows - something that isn't true on cruise ships.
So if you're going on a cruise, you can save some money by opting for a less expensive cabin - but if you do so, you'll have an interior room with no source of natural light, a truly alienating feeling.
Port stops are hectic.
Getting on a ship and stopping at picturesque ports of call sounds lovely, but the reality is a lot more stressful. Once you stop at a port, leaving the ship is like a cattle call - a process that's repeated once you have to board again.
This means that there's no real feeling of freedom at these ports because you know the timer is constantly ticking away - and you don't want to linger, lest you miss your chance to get back to your ship.
Think about your footprint.
It's all well and good to buy carbon offset credits if you're environmentally minded - but if you truly care about ecology and the environment, you should probably avoid cruise ships altogether. They're absolutely terrible for the environment.
Cruise ships emit disturbing amounts of pollution as they steam through tropical waters, and the diverse wildlife that calls these waters home gets impacted as well. The noise pollution and turbulence coming from cruise ships can mess with pretty much everything in the ocean, from the tiniest shrimp to the biggest whales.
The infrastructure can be questionable.
Modern cruise ships are incredible feats of engineering that usually operate like a well-oiled machine...usually. But when things go wrong, they go really wrong. We've seen cruises dubbed "the poop cruise" because basically all of the washroom infrastructure on the ship decided to stop working.
The chances of this happening are slim, but that doesn't mean it's impossible - and we've seen enough high profile incidents over the years to see just how possible it is.
The wifi situation is awful.
We've become accustomed to free, fast wifi pretty much everywhere we go, but cruise ships handle things a bit differently. You'll generally have to pay an exorbitant rate for wifi, and even if you do this, the speed and quality of the connection can be spotty.
While it's not a bad idea to just unplug now and then, it's still frustrating to encounter this issue if you want to make a post about your vacation, or just indulge in some mindless scrolling.
Excursions are hit or miss.
You'll likely want to break up the cruise experience with some off-ship experiences like scuba diving, or a tour at one of your ports of call. Unfortunately, it's tough to gauge the quality of these experiences until you've already shelled out money for them.
These excursions are just one more way that the cost of a cruise can rapidly get out of hand. Many travellers find themselves frustrated after paying $100 per head for something that should have cost $20 max.
Scams are abundant.
Everyone knows that tourists in exotic locales should be aware of scammers who might try to take advantage of them. A perceived advantage of cruise ships is that they're a safe, scam-free way to see these destinations - but that isn't really the case.
Third party vendors on cruise ships might seem legit because they're part of the cruise, but they're often selling stuff at absurd markups. Looking at the horror stories on Reddit, it seems like the best-practice advice is to never buy a watch or jewelry on a cruise.
Thinking of a swim? Think again.
All-inclusives typically feature wide swaths of beach, while cruise ships don't have this luxury. Not to fear, though, because cruise ships have plenty of pools, hot tubs, spa options and even water parks for those who feel like a good soak.
Unfortunately, you're not the only person who thinks this is a good idea, and as a result, cruise ship pools are typically jam-packed every minute they're open. If a loud, chaotic, crowded poolside experience isn't your idea of a good time, you'll probably want to avoid these areas altogether.
You can't cut things short.
Many of us have had to cut a vacation short for one reason or another, whether it's something as serious as a family emergency or simply not liking the vibes of the destination. In any case, it's nice to have the freedom to pull the plug.
On cruise ships, though? All bets are off. You're on the ship until it docks. There's no way to bail. Unless you get sick enough that you need to be straight-up airlifted to hospital, you're not getting off that ship early.
You'll probably fry your skin.
Spending lots of time outside with no sun protection is a surefire way to raise your risk of skin cancer. Cruise ships encourage people to spend time outside in the sun, whether it's hanging out in the pool or relaxing in a deck chair.
If you're diligent about applying and re-applying sunblock and staying in the shade, you'll be fine. But most people return home from cruises with a sunburn for a reason, and over time, the cumulative effects of those burns can start to add up.
Things aren't always that friendly.
Everyone on a cruise ship wants to have a good time, but it isn't exactly like going on a pleasure cruise with 3,000 of your closest friends. Conflict is basically inevitable when you cram that many people into a limited space.
You'll also likely be seeing the same guests, particularly if you're gravitating to the same spots every day. A quick look at YouTube shows that things aren't always chill on ships - and sometimes events get downright violent.
Disembarking is a nightmare.
At the end of your cruise, or any vacation for that matter, you'll likely be eager to get back home. But the logistics of getting thousands of people off a cruise ship at the same time are complicated.
Unsurprisingly, disembarking is generally a glacially slow, frustrating process. Picture the biggest, longest line you've ever been in, then make it even bigger. That's what it's like to get off of a cruise ship. It's worse than any airport.
There are better options.
Cruises seemingly offer all of the downtime of an all-inclusive with the exploration opportunities of a traditional vacation - but, as we've seen, they don't quite fully deliver on either front.
For those who want adventure, the traditional vacation route of booking flights and hotels offers more day-to-day freedom. And for the rest and relaxation crowd, there's a reason that all-inclusive resorts have been so popular over the past few decades.